It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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