girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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