btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The adults are the big ones right?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
