My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
