the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
