He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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