Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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