I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
