1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
