apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
