Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
