I think my fart just growled at me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize