I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
