my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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