i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
