i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
