I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
