the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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