So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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