It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
