I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Pooping to opera.
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