i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
