I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
