i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
