He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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