I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
