the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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