just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
