Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
