he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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