I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
