just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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