I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize