Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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