I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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