I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
