Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
