Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize