you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
