It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
