Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize