They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
