My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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