I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If I die, sorry about rent.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
