theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
