i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
