U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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