There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize