Yo dont text me then not text me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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