so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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