no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
