the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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