Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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