so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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