I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
