Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
