ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
