I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
