Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
