just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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