one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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