Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize