Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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