I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
