I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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