when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
